"Faking it"

I do a lot of faking. And not in the way you think... (I never have to fake that...)

In thinking about my average day, I have to put on a show, or, fake it all the time.

Example: As a labor nurse I have to "pretend" to be some girls best friend and biggest supporter all day. -- "I love you _____ !" "You can do this!" "You're so amazing and strong!" (The last one is my favorite! I tell everyone this! Come on! Not everyone is amazing and strong- women everywhere are having babies (there's someone in the next room doing the exact same thing actually...)

Anyway, if you think back to your Labor and Delivery nurse when you had your baby(s) She really had to put on a show for you. Hold your hand while you're getting your epidural. Get your husband soda and cookies. Tell your extended family to "GO AWAY" when you are to scared to do it. Smile and act like the horrible name you picked out for your child is -the cutest name EVER! And soooo original. Pretend to care about your RIDICULOUS birth plan, and help you to breast feed... Tell you everything will be OK- just one more push!! ALL LIES! ALL FAKE!

I really don't care! I'm only here cause they pay me! (not entirely true... I love my job, and I do care about your baby and your medical care. I just don't care that much.) I walk out to the nurses station when it is all over and sigh, and make fun of you and think "why isn't there a daytime EMMY award for nurses?"

Then, at the end of the day, I go home and fake it some more... Oh, all smiles and happiness to be home! It's OK that the house is a mess, it doesn't bother me... (fake- it does bug me.) I'll get dinner on- smile, smile...
Then I change poopy diapers with a smile and a giggle, I tickle little bellies and pretend to be a pirate while the kids are in the bath... I put on a great show of reading stories with fabulously funny voices, and give Mariah Carey a run for her money with my rendition of "Wheels on the bus" and "little bunny fo fo" bedtime songs...

Aaaah, the only time I don't fake it, is with Mark. That last hour of the day when I sit down and relax and I get to complain my head off to my husband, and be all sorts of pessimistic and onry. Aaaah, sweet relief.
But, therein lies the problem. Mark kinda likes happy Kimi. He wants me to keep up the show. He wants the smiles and hugs and happiness. But I can't do it all the time hun! Even an incredible actress such as myself needs a little "down time..."

So this has also got me thinking, that if I am "faking it" all the time; maybe it's not really fake.... Hmmmmm... Maybe the gooey, sappy Kimi is the real Kimi, and the pessimistic crap left over is where I fake it. I mean, if 18 hours out of the day I put on a smile, eventually that has to become the real me right??
So, now I am having an identity crisis. Where have I gone? Who am I?

Hmmmmm again.

But, I do really love my children-- funny voices and all. And I do really love my job-- crazy pregnant people and all. And I do REALLY love my Marky-- Pessimism and all (I fell kinda bad, all he gets are the leftovers.)
And maybe if I was skinnier- I could try out for a spot on "Grey's Anatomy" I really feel I am well prepared for any role. And then, and only then, would I be compensated fairly for my amazing acting skills!!!

:)